Maybe you’ve just begun a small group, or maybe you’ve been leading one for a while and feel like it’s time to take things to the next level relationally. Here are some basic essentials I’ve found for building close-knit community in a small group.

1. Be authentic and transparent. This is an absolute must. You can’t expect the people in your small group to be real if you don’t set the standard for them. Share your past mistakes and how God has used them in your life—in my experience, these have been some of my most meaningful small group conversations. Let them see you processing emotion and current struggles. I find that it may take a while for everyone else to get to the point where they are comfortable sharing on really deep levels, but they’ll never get there if I don’t go there first. If you’ve been with the group for a long time and they look at you as the “teacher/professor/expert,” this may be a tough step for you, but they will come to appreciate you even more for it. Never be afraid to admit you don’t know something, but also communicate willingness to process through toward an answer.

2. Ask questions. Use tact, but don’t be afraid to ask probing questions of your group. The people in our group want to really think. We strive to set a standard of openness for them to ask questions, too—and not just of us as the leaders. When you are intentionally building relationships with your people, you’ll know what’s going on in their lives and the things they’re dealing with. Same goes if they are being intentional with one another. When the Scriptures you’re studying open a door for really good, soul-searching questions, go for it and don’t be afraid. You might be surprised how much even a newcomer will share when he or she knows that your group takes interest in more than just the surface things of life.

3. Spend a LOT of time together. Whatever you do, don’t just see each other once a week. This point will perhaps be the most difficult and time-consuming, but you can’t expect to really know a person by spending one hour a week with them in a group setting. We as leaders get together with the members of our group one-on-one (same sex) or in smaller groups for lunch or dinner whenever possible, and encourage our group members to do the same. If we’re going to watch a movie, we call up a few of our people and invite them over. Find a way to involve your group in as many aspects and activities of your daily life as possible (but remember to have some healthy boundaries—don’t jeopardize your marriage or relationship with your kids!). Encourage your group to spend time with each other, even if it doesn’t include you.

4. Find practical ways to show love. Everybody has a “love language.” Discover the ways your group members give and receive love. There are plenty of practical ways to show love to your group members, and some of them will fulfill nearly any love language: paying for their lunch, sending a handwritten note, making brownies for them, sending a text message, commenting on their Facebook pages, and so on. I strive for our people to know I’m thinking about them and praying about them, and that I enjoy having them in my life. I try to express my commitment to them as individuals and to the group as a whole.

5. Be willing to sacrifice. You certainly have to have some healthy personal boundaries and recognize your limitations, but whenever possible go the extra mile for a group member. I’m sure you’ve discovered what we have: being a small group leader is a 24/7 kind of thing. Talk to them when they call you in a crisis at midnight. Get them a gas card when money is tight. Mediate a tough conversation if asked. Say the truthful, loving thing even if it hurts their feelings. Help them move. Clean their apartment after they’ve had surgery. Spend hours on end talking about their personal lives. Be the first one to apologize. As we’ve done the above things and more, I’m discovering the joy in considering others’ needs before my own. And, as you lead your group by example in this area, they’ll be more comfortable to take the initiative, too.

So, building community in your small group certainly isn’t rocket science, but it isn’t all that easy, either. It’s going to take some time, especially if your group is made up of a bunch of people who are all fairly new to each other. If you express to the group your intentions and expectations for everyone getting to be really good friends who spend a lot of time together, you may lose a few at the beginning. You’ll probably lose a few along the way, too. While we always want those people to know they are more than welcome to join us, we spend the majority of our time and energy on those who show with their actions that they want to be involved. Remember, “more time spent with fewer people leads to greater impact”!