It was 7 p.m. An hour past the start time of our weekly small group meeting and three months since the group first began. Yet, here we were once again, still discussing the same issue: childcare.

I felt like one of the Israelites in the desert, walking around and around the same mountain, turning what should have been a couple week excursion into a 40-year journey. And amidst all the talk, I was exasperated!

We had attended this group off and on since its inception. As the parents of two small children, without grandparents to help or a regular babysitter in our area, we were excited to join a group where we were told bringing kids wasn’t simply tolerated, but encouraged. It allowed us to participate in a small group without the stress of trying to find a trustworthy babysitter week in and week out.

Not only that, but the group met early on Sunday nights so we could have our kids home for bedtime―a big plus.

On paper the group seemed perfect. Unfortunately, as time passed, all was not well in the world of family-friendly small groups.

Once again the group’s leader started off the evening with the issue of what to do with the kids during the study section of the meeting. He threw out several ideas, including hiring a babysitter to watch the kids.

As the parents of the youngest children in the group, my husband and I didn’t have a strong preference in this area. We were fine either way, contributing toward a babysitter or attempting to keep the kids in the room with us. But before we could weigh in on the issue, some of the other parents in the group offered their strong opinions. They seemed to assume that my husband and I were big advocates of hiring a babysitter.

“I don’t want to put money toward a babysitter each week when my kids are old enough to participate in the study,” one father adamantly argued.

Another chimed in, “I agree. We shouldn’t have to pay for someone to watch the other people in the group’s kids.”

As the conversation progressed and parents continued to share their thoughts—ones we’d heard before—my husband and I felt more and more like our family being there was an inconvenience.

Finally, we just stopped attending altogether. Feeling unwelcomed and resented for just being present, it was difficult for us to participate and spiritually grow. Sadly, what seemed to be a “perfect” small group for us, was far from it. And while I realize that no small group is going to be perfect, I also came to see clearly what was important to me as a young mother when attending a weekly group.

Structure. Our care group leader ran our meetings like a democracy. While it’s helpful to consider other’s opinions, by doing so, the leader took on a laissez-faire role and a firm decision was never made regarding childcare. Instead, it was an issue of continual discussion and little structure. We didn’t know from week to week what to expect when it came to our kids. Would they sit in the meeting with us? Would one of the older kids be responsible for watching them? Would the parents take turns serving as babysitter? Would we spend another full meeting time talking about childcare? For me as a mom with young kids, I needed structure in order to know what to expect.

Agreement. Because there was little structure, it left the door wide open for differing opinions on childcare to become an area of contention. If our small group leader had discussed the issue once and made a decision based on what was shared, agreement could have been reached early on. While everyone may not have totally agreed or been given their “ideal,” it could have avoided continued discussion with tempers flaring, off-the-cuff opinions, and a lack of consideration for others in the room.

Timeliness. The continuing discussions each week regarding childcare meant we started the study section of the meeting consistently late. This set a pattern of not staying within designated small group time, which for us resulted in very fussy children by the end of the study. Knowing we would be released before our children started to meltdown had been an incentive to join the group. Not having it met added additional stress for us as parents and set us up each week for a “dramatic” exit.

Leading a small group that includes children is going to be challenging for any group leader. Plus, as no group is perfect, mistakes will happen and feelings may likely be hurt. But decisive leadership can help make a group a haven where both parents and children are welcomed and flourish. And in the process, small group leaders have the opportunity to be a blessing to the parents in their groups in immeasurable ways!